Changing Our Views of Parents

(To the lovely Ting sisters)

I'm more convinced every day that a great portion of our adult efforts are invested in the quest for that which was unreachable during childhood. The more painful the early void, the more we're motivated to fill it later in life.
For example, a friend of mine named Diane had a father who never met the needs for love and attention and belonging that a father should satisfy in his child. Even today, this man seems oblivious to the pain he's caused his daughter.
Diane used to find herself feeling disappointed and hurt and rejected each time he failed to come through. But then she learned, quite by accident, that her dad had been severly abused and wounded as a child.
His own father and mother had died when he was a boy, and the aunt to whom he was sent was so severe, she even forbade him to cry.
After hearing this account, Diane suddenly saw her father in a different light. He was not just a rejecting father, he was a man with a handicap... an emotional handicap. Diane's experience is not that unique in family life. So often, those loved ones who continually frustrate and disappoint us are reacting to deep wounds from their own formative years. If we can react compassionately to them instead of expecting them to be what they can't, we can transform our families from battlegrounds into places of harmony.

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Kermit: To the people who've asked me what this post about. If our parents are sometimes unable to provide us with the kind of love that we wish for; if they frequently quarrel though it really saddens me; if they talk about divorce though I never wish to see them apart; if they beat & scold me as if they don't love me anymore.... is it because they hate me? is it because they no longer care for the family??? Maybe the answer is NO. Perhaps when they were younger they were mistreated by someone and the only way they know how to love me is to scream & beat me.

It doesn't make sense. Yes it doesn't. That's how deep some hurts could be. Just like Diane's dad. It's not that he doesn't love his daughter or wishes to reject her. Perhaps he doesn't know how to love her because he has never really experienced love.... What he got from his so called family was just beatings, verbal abuses etc

When we are discontented with our families, maybe we can try seeing deeper beyond the surface. Dig deeper into their past and perhaps shed some light into the present.